This week has been amazing and confusing all in the same boat. I don't even know that I can properly convey how I feel or how God has truly changed my heart and invaded my Spirit.
But here is one thing....
We are called to be Human! Called to become a child of God. A child who lives and loves more and more like Jesus, the way God intended. To make visible the invisible mystery of a triune God.
But more often then not, there are things that are in the way. Things that get in the way of truly coming into an intimate relationship with Christ. These things could look like idols, pride, unforgiveness, fear of man, etc. They get in the way of truly recognizing Him as Lord over our lives.
If you don't recognize Jesus as Lord, you will never mature and grow as a Christian.
This hit my to the core and it brought up a lot of the mess in my life, mainly my unbelief and my fear of man.
I have always feared being the weak link in a given situation. I have often been shy in stepping out and learning things in front of people. I am all for people trying things, teaching them, or helping them try things; but I never do it myself. In my mind, having to learn something means you are either dumb, untalented, or incapable (There is always that possibility that you won't get it or won't learn it fast enough). And learning in front of people only adds to that fear of judgement. So it creates an inferiority complex and selfishness in not stepping out and taking risk. It creates reservations in me that doesn't allow me to truly express who I am.
And so we prayed, for me and many others. We prayed and sought God for a picture. For some this meant singing in front of people, raising hands in worship, screaming out "I love Jesus" in public, and running around the room screaming wildly. For me this meant learning to do a back flip...in front of people.
I thought this to be a completely absurd idea. Why would God ask me to do that? It was semi-dangerous. He wouldn't ask me to do something dangerous would He? But I didn't know, so I just threw it out there any way. As I was saying it, Dusty, a student and friend from Texas, said he felt he was supposed to teach someone to do a back flip. CRAP!!! Haha....God speaks in amazing ways.
So I learned to do a backflip, in front of 50 people, with the help of some spotters. Were they perfect...no. Was I scared (kept seeing Tom's face after he raked his face on the ground after attempting a backflip)....yes. But I did it. I overcame my thinking that I wasn't capable. That that wasn't me. That I am weak. That I can't do things. That I can't try semi-outlandish things and succeed. It was so freeing.
It freed me to express who I am. It freed me to step out of my little box. It freed me to become a child. It freed me to recklessly love and pursue Jesus. It freed me to recognize Him as Lord. It freed me to make visible the invisible mystery of a triune God.
It freed me to absolutely surrender.
So what is in the way of you truly recognizing God for who He is? What is holding you back from freedom?
Here is also another nugget from this week...."The human journey is largely shaped by our longings". God has really been speaking this to me as I think and ponder on what is next.
A lot of my feelings can be expressed from a section of "The Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We've Only Dreamed Of" by John Eldredge, a book I have been reading on the side. It goes like this....
"Ann knows the right thing to do. But she was stumped. There was no 'right' course to take...."
"The problem was simply this: Ann had lived her entire life based on what was right and never once made a decision based on her desire. The oldest daughter in the family with some very high needs. Ann had been required to grow up much sooner than others. She was highly responsible, and found her security in meeting expectations and demands placed on her. When the moment came for her to live out her desire, she was out of practice. There was no one to tell her what to do."
"The hope is to stay in the background away from the fire, and wait for someone or something to come along and grant us immunity from these difficulties and sacrifices, someone to offer reassurance, saying perhaps, 'Take the safe way, not the way of passion and creativity, as the path to your destiny, the life you desire. Follow it and you will never be touched....[But] we cannot neglect our inner fire without damaging ourselves in the process." (The Heart Aroused by poet David Whyte)
"The damage, of course, is a life lost unto itself. Millions of souls drifting through life, without an inner compass to give them direction. They take their cues from others and live out scripts from someone else's life. It's a high price to pay. Too high."
That really spoke to me. I realized that I don't know my true desires because I don't know if I have actually walked in them. It's not as if I have been force fed everything I have done in my life. I have honestly chosen everything I have done. But I have put too much emphasis on someone else (the opinions of man) writing my script.
I need to allow myself the opportunity to hold the pen and turn the page. To walk in desire. To not fear being burned. To write my own story according to God's plan.
So, sorry for the long post. I wanted to help you step into my mind and heart as God is teaching and challenging me.
It has been a crazy good week and I know more is coming. We are only half way through lecture phase.
God is so good.
Prayer Requests:
- To know God as Lord
- Pray against my unbelief and fear of man
- That I'd walk in obedience and desire
- India/Nepal - ministry opportunities, people we will meet, travel plans, contacts in Nepal (don't have any quite yet)
Cheers,
Zach
Super blessed by my roommates
P.S.
- I have the greatest mom in the world. She became another year older this week, so make sure you all bless her this week. I know that I am blessed by her generosity, loving heart, hospitality, and love of Jesus. Love you Mom. (I know she is already crying....goal achieved)
- We started this day at 8 am and ended at 1 am. Long day but oh so good. Only felt like a couple hours.
- Check out Luke Parker (Mark Parker's, our speaker, son). Particularly "Meet you in the Morning" on his Deeply, Human album and "Sweet Surrender" on his Home album
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